Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
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My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
pls stop saying grace,,,you are diverting God from solving crimes
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.