The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
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me: [leaning over, whispering] there’s a giant hole in this plot
him: that’s where the casket goes
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Me: Grandpa hasn’t been the same since the war
Him: Vietnam?
Me: Thumb
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
set yourself free xox
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!Took me years to rebuild friendships.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.