The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
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2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.