PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
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marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT