[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
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Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?