My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
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My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
I like my women like I like my coffee, passed through the digestive system of a cat
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa