I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
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Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
My wife’s biggest fear isn’t that we’ll die from Coronavirus, it’s that we’ll die from Coronavirus and the kids will go through our stuff and find out that mom and dad were into some really freaky shit.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”