I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
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Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
This is a true ally.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
blocked.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it