[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
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My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
And then there were 4
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.