“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
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If you haven’t manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you’re missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up