Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
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She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
In conclusion, members of the board, I’m sorry I brought the wrong USB, & thank you for your feigned interest in my sesame street PowerPoint
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
[sams club]
ME: {wearing ski mask} This is a robbery!
LADY AT FRONT DOOR: Do you have your membership card?
ME: Uhh, I left it at home.
LADY: I’m sorry sir I can’t let you in.
ME: Please! I’ll be quick.
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations