Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
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(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
how long have you had this for?
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Bond. Trauma bond.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
The biggest mystery of our time
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*