[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
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The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal