Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
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Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance