ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
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“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Little known Chinese proverb – He who walks barefoot in a dog’s backyard will be sorry
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.