God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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These work great until they don’t.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
So you’re telling me that the Portuguese women’s football team aren’t known as Portugals?