I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
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I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Oh deer
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”