‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
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*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
What my back needs
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
[firing torpedo from submarine]
torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.