My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
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[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
My neck my back my allergy attack
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.