“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
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the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
Spent 10mins fighting a spider last night before finding out it was a flake of cardboard
I’m fine
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.