Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
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JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
Going into Monday like
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.