my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
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“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Coffee so strong, you finish the “to do” list, that you haven’t even written yet.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….