The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
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when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
U talkin 2 me?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
Her: do you have protection?
MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator