Admin smashed it 😂
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“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*