“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
You Might Also Like
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
1. Say “Eye” 2. Spell the word “Map” 3. Say “Ness”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.