cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
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anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
Hey I worked for it too!
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
My first child will be named New Folder.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)