Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
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we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Good advice.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.