“My homework ate my dog” -student in python breeding class
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4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
*In Class* Please don’t call on me, please don’t call on me! *Teacher Says Your Name*
So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.