I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
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As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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5.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.