First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
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Don’t let the British accent fool you. I’m not saying anything smart
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Always.
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inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing