My new driver’s license picture doesn’t look anything like me.
*tapes a little picture of an iPhone over half my face
Now it looks like me.
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This one’s “Alex”.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
This made me chuckle cuz mood
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Anyone can recommend a good Hobbit movie?
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
New tinder profile pic
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio