nice thing about dating a doctor is if you wanna stop seeing them, you can just eat an apple
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The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.