Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
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One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.