My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
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If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.