Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
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Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
The morning after pill, but for tweets
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
When I said I liked it rough.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.