ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
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Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
How your email finds me
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
On your first day in prison, walk right up to the nicest guy in there and break his heart.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.