THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
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My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
pls suprot
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.