How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
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“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
[on Mars]
Curiosity Rover: *finds ancient cat remains* ohhh man I just know I’m gonna get blamed for this
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
[company meeting]
Manager: $5000 in office supplies have gone missing. We are making some changes.
Me: [in paper clip chainmail, sweating]
My boss called in sick of me
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
Clients after you give them your rates
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
True?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage