pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
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Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
50 shades of grey = my Liver