i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
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Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
he’s sick of your bullshit today
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.