Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
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How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
The point of your 20s