god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
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I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES