My son is finally growing the thick moustache he always wanted on my face.
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[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
This is amazing.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
welp
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
Turning on a guy is like flipping a light switch. Turning on a woman is like wiring that switch & then building a nuclear plant to power it.
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.