I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
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Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
if god really loved all the people of the world why do our heads weigh so much.
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice