I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
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I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?
ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?