5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
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Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
three things we don’t talk about
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
I need to update my racial profile.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.