Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
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STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
i hate eating outside, flies looking at you from a distance rubbing their hands together like ‘i’m gonna get me some, as soon as you’re not paying attention’
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Show your guy you love him by making him lasagna.
Write his name in the cheese.
Leave it on his porch.
His wife is home.
Write hers too.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Netflix has the AUDACITY to ask me if I’m still watching when it knows I left the remote on the dining room table and have NO intention of getting up. Smh
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
[In football huddle]
“What do you guys think happens when we die?”
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave