Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
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*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
doctor: get ready to say “aaah”
me: why are we on the roof
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.