[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
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Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Legend 🤣🤣
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Blew out my flip flop…
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
ugh not again
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.