Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
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me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.